Hard Truths & New Chapters
I have a hard time sitting alone in silence. I (much like others I know) like to have noise in the background whether it be mindless reality television, music (likely reggaeton), or a murder podcast. My dogs are also less likely to bark their heads off at any random distant jingle strolling down the street. It makes me feel less alone I suppose? It can also be distracting and anxiety-inducing when I am attempting to fulfill any single bullet point from my endless to-do list. The frustration builds as my attention continues to be yanked in opposing directions. I give a hard side eye to my dog for the exaggerated sigh of disappointment as I take a seat on the couch to gather my thoughts.
It feels like it's either everything at once or nothing at all and I wallow in my self-pity for the next 3-4 days… The “everything” approach seemed to have worked for me throughout my adolescence, but now I am just cyclically overwhelmed at any attempt to fulfill something. The “everything” approach typically gives me the physical boost I need to actually get “everything” done, but is everything actually done? I digress. This approach sets me up for failure every time, particularly in this current chapter of my life where my energy is sparse, my motivators are changing, and I am pretty damn depressed. I feel burnt out, but my brain's expectations are just as high as they were when I was active 18-20 hours a day. My body, stiff with tension, calls out for help to my brain with every cracking joint and unpredictable muscle pull. My brain is aware of the discomfort yet sets aside any action to address and care for the body for later. I guess other things are more important?
My ego serves as a megaphone spewing the unrealistic expectations of a woman’s appearance I grew up with and shaped by. A Victoria Secret model was the ideal form of feminine for many or at least that was the messaging received on my end. I gaslight myself from time to time regarding how affected I was by the culture of the 90s. It may just be the voices of others getting into my head, causing me to doubt my experience. I try to tune them out, but damn it sounds like they’re just growing louder, living rent free in my head… and throughout my body as well.
I love to work out in the gym. I appreciate the positive effects weightlifting has on my body and I have always thought it was cool to see women throwing around heavy metal without fear of judgment. I played sports as a young kid and eventually got into competitive sports later in high school. Staying active became a priority to me once I had a better hang of what the heck to do at a gym. My motivation was not my health, unfortunately. I wanted to “look good” in skinny jeans and a tank top, something I did not feel fully confident wearing at the time (and what does it matter now since mom jeans exist!). I was highly body-conscious and self-critical at the time. These were formative years and an unachievable standard of looking and acting was embedded into my psyche.
Here I am, 10-15 years later, having to unlearn and move through the discomfort that dwells deep in the tissues of my body. I am in a strange place mentally and spiritually during this chapter of my life. Living in the “in-between,” I suppose. Coming back full circle here - my energy is not where I want it to be, but there is nothing else I can do but surrender to it. Surrender does not look the same for every person and it honestly does not sound like the most appeasing action at a time where control of the situation feels like my only satisfaction. The irony is we want to find a balance and balance here means preference for nothing. If this isn’t making any sense right now, that is okay because this is my journey and you have yours. The beauty of this is that we can share journeys together and support each other every step of the way.
Yoga has been a saving grace for me in the last 3 years. I began to attend yoga classes at my gym as an incentive/deadline for my arrival to the gym. Slowly, I started to see and feel my body change. Feeling the difference was the most astonishing part to me. I have felt sore, sprained, broken and torn in the past (physically, in this case), but the sensation I experienced was one without abnormal pain. I was lifting without the need to compensate for one side of the body or the other and I felt stronger… As I write this, I am thinking “of course, that is why people go to the gym, to get stronger, I am explaining common sense at this point,” but I put it out there to say that this was a new level of growth in my body that I have not felt in years. My body has carried me through so much in life and I am grateful to say the least. Looking back years before the start of the COVID pandemic, I don’t believe I was actually listening to my body. This makes sense to me now and I am more aware than I have ever been before when it comes to the sensations of my body. Yoga has truly connected my mind, body, and soul in ways that I was never able to cultivate with any of my other self-care attempts. Yoga doesn’t always feel good either, but “feeling good” isn’t exactly the point. It is about self transformation, self love, and sharing that with the world by being exactly who you are.
I am on this journey with an open mind and heart and I hope you will join me along the way. Let’s explore who you and I are in this world together.
